Friday, March 12, 2010

Life Is What Happens When You're Busy Blogging About Losing Weight

So what got me in a tizzy last month?

No, I didn't burn my law degree in a client-induced rage. My office partner didn't drive me to the brink. Yet. Married life is not in turmoil.

Rather, I managed to become pregnant.

We found out the last week of January, when that damn EPT stick wouldn't erase the "+" despite my repeated attempts to shake it like an Etch A Sketch. I have never been pregnant before; we never planned on having kids. In our 23 years together, we successfully dodged the baby bullet while enjoying the child-free life. We are almost 40. So, my initial reaction was to remove the parasite post haste.

There are little--if any--logical reasons to have a child in this post-industrial age. I don't need kids to help with family production. If I assigned a client's case to a 7 year-old, I'm fairly certain I'd lose my law license. Being the logical person that I am, it didn't make real sense to have a kid. The negatives certainly far outweighed the benefits.

But my perspective gradually changed over the next few weeks since this dropped (literally) in my lap. I wasn't prepared for the emotional trojan horse. Nor was Bob. Despite every logical reason against having a baby, we just couldn't bring ourselves to end it. Being faced with a pregnancy is stressful and emotional no matter which decision you make. Ending the pregnancy is stressful, but carries with it a powerful feeling of grim sadness. Keeping the baby is also pretty stressful, but the primary feeling with this option is one of hope. And hope won.

So, we accepted, and then embraced, the reality of becoming new parents just as Bob is turning 40 and I am turning 39. My head exploded at the thought that we would be almost 60 when the kid reached adulthood. We made baby plans. I took the prenatal vitamins and increased my intake of fruits, veggies and tons of yogurt and cheese. The idea of lactating kept me up at night.

I thought about what direction to go in terms of blogging. Do I start a new baby blog? Do I chronicle how I try to stay healthy while pregnant? I couldn't decide.

In the meantime, there were doctor visits. And ultra sounds. And more doctor visits. And more ultra sounds. And that's when the roller coaster really took us for a ride.

At 7 weeks pregnant, the ultrasound showed fetal development at 5 weeks. At 9 weeks, the ultrasound showed growth at only 6 weeks. There was a baby nugget (fetal pole, etc.), but no heartbeat.

This past weekend, I miscarried. It was emotionally wrenching, physically painful and just plain sickening.

Looking back, intuitively, I knew that this pregnancy wasn't going to be viable. I did not "feel" pregnant. No morning sickness. No hormone-induced mood changes. No changes in appetite. In the last week leading up to the miscarriage, I inexplicably lost almost 5 pounds since my last doctor's weigh-in 10 days before. Does that mean it was "meant to be?" No. Just bad chemistry. A series of random acts and events that happened to go down a pretty shitty path.

We're doing much better today, and will be even better tomorrow and the day after. That's the beauty of time and recovery...they work well together. It's sad to lose that potential of life, our shot at throwing our joint good looks, intelligence and cockiness into the collective gene pool. We'll try again--something I never thought we'd do. We may be successful, but if not, there are other ways to channel this new "potential" that has opened our eyes over the last couple of months. Maybe adopt or foster. More likely volunteer. Most likely hoard animals.

Eventually, I will get back to blogging again about health and fitness and all that. I'm thinking next week or the week after. And pray that I don't taint this blog with future details of our baby making. Or knitting puppy booties.


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. Life certainly gives us surprises when, where, and how we least expect them. You and Bobzilla seem to be joyful people with a zest for life, and I'm sure you'll be wonderful parents, no matter the form that takes.

  2. Well that was a real kick in the teeth for you. I cannot even begin to imagine what it has been like for you.

    Whether or not you have a baby or adopt or hoard animals after this experience, you are changed by it.

    Now I want to hug my kid (20 year old, more likely to let me now).

  3. Wow. What a rollercoaster ride for sure. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I'm also just... well, impressed at how plainly you've laid everything out, including the changes you're looking at as your life moves forward.

    Kudos to you.

  4. Everything happens for a reason... I know you probably hate me saying that but it's true.

    You are one strong woman to go thru all these emotions and still look to the future.

    I must warn you I do watch the show Hoarders... I better not see you on there with 75 cats and boxes full of puppy booties... :)

    Hang in there and take care!

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. I got pregnant on accident and I felt so similarly to you. I didn't want to be pregnant and yet I just couldn't end it. I didn't miscarry and being a mother truly is an amazing thing. I'm not writing that to rub it in but rather to say that it is a wonderful thing even if being a parent isn't in your plans. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you end up doing. Take care of yourself and good luck.

  6. Holy hell, you and Bobzilla have been through the wringer. I'm so sorry that you lost the baby. Hugs to you both.

  7. Geez, that was indeed a rollercoaster. Just reading your post I was surprised, amazed, hopeful, and then shocked. And sad.

  8. Emotionally exhausting and life changing to be sure. Im also sorry for your loss, and sending you a hug.

  9. Stephanie, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. I know nothing I (or anyone) can say will make you feel better right now. I just know that you'll be a rad mom whether it be to your own runt, a foster child, or a gaggle of cats-n-dogs. xo

  10. I am so so sorry. To get such unexpected news, to not be sure what you want to do about it, to make that decision and then have it taken from you. That's heartbreaking. I'm so very sorry.

  11. I am so sorry for your loss. You have both been on a one hell of an emotional rollarcoaster. I wish you the best of luck and happiness which ever route you decide to take.

  12. That's tough indeed. Sorry for your loss.

  13. So very sorry to learn of your loss and the emotional roller coaster you've been on. Life can certainly throw us some curve balls. If it helps to know, I became a mother at 38 through the gift of adoption. The blessings have far outweighed the hassles.

    Hope you're continuing to mend and will be back to writing - in whatever form.

  14. Best wishes to you & your sweetie.

  15. hello .... i am very sorry that you miscarried however it will be better in time ..... you see now you have developed an attitude you did not once have because of the situation so hence everything does happen for a reason... you are very fortunate that you did not terminate the pregnancy for many many reasons..... smile and have fun trying again GOD willing you will be pregnant again.

  16. I was all set to heap the congratulations on, and then wham!

    You stopped me in my tracks. Just. Like. That.

    I'm so sorry, Cam. Isn't that just the way things go. You wrap your mind and heart around an idea so foreign and alien and opposite and then it turns out just to be a test of character. Not fun. Not funny.

    You sound like you are coping well, but I'm sure your heart aches, and for that you have deepest and sincerest sympathy. Every day will get easier, but once your head has been turned all around, you are different.

    Looking forward to hearing where things lead you from here.

    Never forget Casa Hice loves you.

  17. When I was in my 20s I became pregnant and chose to have an abortion. I had been strongly advised by my doctor to do it for "therapeutic" reasons. It was a surprise pregnancy and I had been taking the pill right along and there was some concern my fetus was not developing normally. Little did I know I had options. Tests whereby that could and would be determined. But I was not instructed about or offered them. So I terminated my pregnancy.

    Worst most horrible experience of my life. One that haunts me to this day. One that will always haunt me. One that transformed me into a devoted Pro-Lifer. Does that also make me a hypocrite? Maybe. But at least my position now is based on experience and not theory.

    There may be circumstances where abortion seems like an acceptable solution, but I am so glad you didn't choose it. I am so glad you had a change of heart. Even though your pregnancy turned out not to be viable (I am so terribly sorry), your conscience and spirit are clean.

    And now you have a new possibility for the future. That is a wonderful and lovely turn of events indeed.

  18. I am behind on blogs and I just read what you have been going through. I am so sorry for your loss. :( Big hugs xoxo

  19. Man, that is a shitty situation. I'm sorry you had to go through that crazy emotional roller coaster. I hope that it works out for you guys...if you decide you want it to. And if not, I hope your dogs don't try to eat the fancy clothes you buy for them.

    I'm really not much of a hugger, but I would bust one out for ya if I could, friend. <3

  20. my love, i just finally read this (been a bit behind the last few weeks) and i am so sorry that you had to go through all of that stuff. i wish there was something more useful i could say.