Return of the Living :20 Minute Workout

Last summer, I came across an old VHS tape of one of the :20 Minute Workout episodes at a garage sale. Remember those? The 80's softcore masquerading as fitness videos where thin-but-unshapely women in colorful leotards, puffy hair and neon makeup squatted, swayed, squeezed cleavage and bumped 'n grinded to a soundtrack of synthesizers and electronic beats without breaking a sweat or even breathing heavy? Yeah, those.

Recently, Bobzilla converted the tape to digital. As I was eating my bowl of spicy Pho (thanks to Mrs. Jelly Belly for implanting noodles in the brain), I decided to pop in the disc for a little entertainment.

Ho boy.

It's "low impact" alright.

Not only is the :20 Minute Workout a flawless time capsule, I remain humbled by how Bess Motta's makeup and hair can look so synthetic perfect:

OK, now she's just being smug, as if reaffirming my thought that no way in HELL would I ever look like that when I work out:


But I will take that beyotch up on the challenge and attempt her workout next week. I suspect, though, that the reason I may not be able to finish will have less to do with intensity and more to do with the fact that I'm heaving with laughter. Or that I am uncomfortably exploiting myself in the comfort of my own living room.

Here's what I think is THE quintessential :20 Minute Workout video. Enjoy...and let me know if you can get past the 2:35 mark without losing your composure:



So, while we're on the subject of erotic exercise videos, Bobzilla informed me that Traci Lords even made her own workout tape. And she raps while she does it.

Oh God. It's true:



I was too young to exercise to these videos in the early 80's, so I wonder if women really did work out to these tapes or if they were just a safe way for men and boys to get them into the house without the necessity of plain paper wrapping. All I know is that Andrea Dworkin and Gloria Steinem would most certainly not be amused by the degrading messages they were sending to both genders.

You know, it's probably best that I drive a stake through the heart of this best-forgotten genre, or shoot it in the head or do whatever it is that you do to make sure that the dead stay dead. But I gotta admit there's a guilty pleasure in resurrecting these moldy oldies, if anything else for the chuckle value.

In closing, here's a SNL parody of 80's erotic exercise videos called Body Fuzion. It's so funny it hurts inside (wait for it after a short ad):



Note:

The above-photos are screen captures of the video I took from the computer's DVD drive. Bobzilla tried to show me how to convert to video, but I've already forgotten and, in any event, I'd rather leave the copyright gray areas up to the other contributors on YouTube (although fair use and commentary seemingly reign in this context).